My Mom and I :)

My Mom and I :)

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Single Mom !

Let me get this out .. Not every single mom, CHOOSES to be a single mom !

I feel better now.

What I mean is, being a single mom is hard !  It isn't something that most people would aspire to.  It isn't something that most people grow up dreaming to become.  When I was a little girl, I didn't think, in my wildest dreams, that I would be a single mom, to two kids.

I wanted to be a teacher, or a lawyer.

When I became a single parent to my son, I made a vow to myself that if I ever had any more children, it would be with the man I wanted to spend my life with, to get married to, and to raise the kids together.

My ex and I were together for over 3 years when we decided to try for a baby.  We tried for 8 months, and I finally got pregnant.  As soon as I told him, he was no longer happy about it.

I guess the having sex with no condom was what he was wanting.

Now don't get me wrong !  I love my kids so very much.  They are the only reason that I am still here on this earth.  If I did not have them, I would be with my Mom right now.  I wake up every morning for them. I live my life for them.

Being a single mom is really tough. I just make it look easy !  One thing to remember, there is never "you" time. If the oldest is out, and the baby is asleep, there is still tons of stuff to do around the house, that can't wait. I can't forget about housework, put if off until later.  Otherwise it does not get done, it gets to be a bigger chore.  I stay home with the kids, and for that I am happy. I am meant to be a stay at home mom.  I am quite good at it.  

I do miss being able to go out and work though. I miss the freedom of leaving the house, without the kids in tow.  I miss talking to other adults.  I miss making money. I miss having the possibility of making friends.  LOL

Most women do not choose to be single parents, but we do choose whether or not to be good at it !

Monday, April 2, 2012

4 months

Today, it is 4 months since my Mom passed away ! I have had many ups and downs since she passed, and I expect that there will be a lot more to come.

I have a picture of my Mom and I, on the wall, in the staircase. I pass it a million times a day.  I put it up shortly after she passed away. I can see it from where I am sitting right now.  It is this picture.

This was taken when we were having a mini vacation at a near by spa. Mom, Daniel, and I went for the weekend. It is at her favorite beach (where we also spread her ashes). This was such an awesome weekend that we had !  I love that I can see the reflection of the beach, in the sunglasses that she is wearing. To me it symbolizes that it is her permanent view. She will forever be at the beach !

This picture was from the same weekend. We went mini golfing at a great place at a near by town here. This is my Mom and my son Daniel playing !

This was after the minigolfing ! We went on the bumper water boats. They have these mini guns on them that squirt water. We completely soaked each other, and laughed and laughed about it !  It was great !

This one was from our trip up to Kelowna, to see my brothers.  We had already drove 5 hours, and taken a 2 hour ferry ride. This again, is my Mom and my son.

This is my all time favorite picture of the two of them together !  When I got back home, I printed off a copy and took it over to Mom's house for her to have. This one has always made me laugh.

I miss her so much. Sometimes I think that it has already been 4 months ! Wow, time is going fast... and then there are a lot of times (like today) that I think that time is going so slow. I don't know how I am supposed to go on feeling like this for another 30 years or so.  

She was my best friend. It hurts to lose your Mom, but it's worse when you were so close to her, like I was. 

Lately I have been picking up the phone, and trying to call her. Or I think of something that I want to tell her. Even small things like something is on sale at the store that she might be interested in. 

What I would give to have just 5 more minutes with her. Just to hug her, give her a kiss, tell her I love her. Let her hold my baby, and give my son a hug. I just want her back.