Families

All families are different. That is one of the first things we learn when we start school at a young age. Some have a mom and dad, some have either a mom or a dad, some have two moms or two dads .. some are raised by their grandparents, or someone whom is not even related to them. There is nothing wrong with any of those. In my mind, a family is the people who love you, and who are there for you, no matter what happens. The people who will not hurt you, in any way. There once was a saying, that you cannot choose your family.  Fortunately, that is not true.  In fact, you can choose them. 

My two loves !

My Mom was a wonderful woman. She was my best friend. We were always together, going places, hanging out, having girl time. We talked about everything together. Things were not always like that though. When we were kids, she was strict with us. House had to be clean, we had lots of chores to do. We weren't allowed friends over very often (because we could not afford to feed other people -- we were poor) We got grounded for stepping out of line. Our mouths got slapped if we swore (or we had soap put in our mouths) or stuck out our tongues. She went out often, drinking with her friends. We were left alone on weekends. I would wake up in the middle of the night, hearing voices of strange men, whom she brought home from the pub. 

As a teenager, I rebelled. I started smoking cigarettes at 15 (I had my first one when I was 12 though). I would steal packs from her when I could. I would throw parties at our house when she would go away for the weekend. I snuck alcohol from the liquor cabinet. I snuck out of the house at night, to hang out with my friends. I dappled in drugs when I was 15, until I was 17. I was your typical teenager. Things were bad between my Mom and I. We did not get along when I was in my teens. She sent me to live with my dad, because she could not control me any longer.  Things did not change when I moved with my dad. He let me drink, even buying me the alcohol. He let me smoke cigarettes. He would buy them for me, or give me his the many many times he was "trying to quit"  .. I was allowed to smoke pot. He even let me take the neighbours pot from her, when he found it in her room. He even let me have my own pot plant in my bedroom. I never got in trouble for smoking it, as long as my brother was not home. If he were home, then I would get a lecture. If he weren't home, he would spray airfreshener on me, and leave it as that.
I got pregnant at 17 (few days before my 18th birthday) and things changed. I started talking to my Mom again. She accepted me being pregnant,and even supported me. She let me move in when I was 7 months pregnant, was there for the delivery, and helped me out after I had him.  This was when we became best friends. She saw me as an adult, as a friend, and still as her daughter. From there on, we were so close. 

She wasn't as close with my brothers. My brother Mike stopped talking to her for years. He wouldn't talk to any of us. His son died, and he blamed my dad for calling social services on them for something, that would have warranted a call. I won't get in to it right now, but a call to them would have been for the best. It really hurt her, that he would not talk to her anymore. He never came down to see her. She would send presents for his kids for birthdays and Christmas, and then cry to me when the kids would not have the decency to call and say thank you. She swore every time that it would be the last time she would send something. Eventually presents got cheaper, then stopped. My other brother Darryl would upset her as well. He would call occassionally, and rarely visit. She cried and cried one time when she found out he came to Vancouver, but did not make the trip over to Nanaimo to see her. She could not understand how he did not want to have Xmas with her, but would with his wife's family.  I tried telling her that things work both ways. She should be calling him as well, and visiting him too. She cannot expect it to be one sided all the time. Of course that made her mad, and we would fight about it.  Yes Darryl, I stood up for you for that.  My brother Jason just aggravated my Mom. He would call a couple times a day. Most of the time, when she saw that it was him calling, she would swear, and then let it go to the answering machine. He was just annoying to talk to. 

When Mom passed away, our family split up. Jason stopped talking to me, and made his wife stop talking to us as well. He is scared that I will tell her how he used to beat us all up, even punching and knocking my Mom out. Punching holes in the walls, throwing us down the stairs. Oh he is now a minister down in Louisianna. He was a horrible person. I was molested as a child by him. Yes Melinda, the man you are married to, molested his little sister. I bet you did not know that. He did that to me many times. It is not something that you ever really get over. My brother Mike had said some mean things about Mom when she passed. I don't know if it were intentional, but you don't talk rude about someone who just died, especially to the person who loved her so much. We don't talk anymore. That, and I just can't hear about how he loves his exwife so much and wishes he could still be with her. She is married and has another kid now. She doesn't want you. She only uses you for money and to fix her vehicles. He can't see it. I love my brother, but we just don't seem to get along.  My other brother Darryl, I still talk to. He has always been the peace keeper in the family. I love him, and I love his wife. He has never hurt me (unless you count him breaking my finger as a child lol) .. and him and I can talk to eachother like adults. Him and I are the closest out of our whole family. We are closest in age. We have different personalities, but are able to get along perfectly. We are opposites. He is clean, likes to cook, works hard, is married, no kids. I am messy (not even close to how messy I used to be), I hate cooking, I am not married,  I have kids, and I am not a goody goody LOL.   I love him. We haven't always gotten along, but we have been able to work out our differences.

I no longer speak to my Dad either. He is rude, racist, sexist. Yes, he took me in when my mom kicked me out as a teenager, and for that I am happy. One thing I never got over,is when we lived in the same town, and I called him at midnight one night because my son was very sick. Throwing up, high fever.. he had food poisoning. He was only 1 1/2 years old. I had called him to see if he could take us to the hospital. He told me to never call him that late again, and hung up on me !  He mistreated my Mom and my brothers when we were little. I found the letters he wrote to my mom when they were going through the divorce, also the court papers. Disgusting. That's all I have to say. We had a falling out recently. He claims that I stopped talking to him because he did not send presents for my kids birthdays.  That is not the whole story. He was asking me and then telling me what he is getting my daughter for her first birthday. Then I told him that it would be better to send something for outdoors, as she has lots of musical toys for indoors, but nothing for outside. Nothing came. My son's birthday was the next month. He has ALWAYS asked me what he should get him, and then has gotten him it. This time he sent nothing. I asked him about it. He said he is too old to send presents, and that people should send him presents on their birthdays instead.  Then he claims that he doesn't think people should tell him what to send, that it is rude. What the fuck. He always asked me what he should get. Then says that he is so old (he is only 60 LOL) and that he is dying (no he isn't). He just wants attention and us to feel bad for him. I guess he feels left out,because he saw the emotions we went through with Mom.  He promised my son and I that he would come down here this summer and we would all go camping together. He got my son all excited about it. Guess what ??!!  He didn't follow through with it. Of course. He never does. I cannot let you continue to hurt my kids. I have grown up with this,  and grew a thick enough skin to just let it roll off of me. But I am not putting my kids through this shit. 

Anyways .. the point of this was that you can choose your family. If the ones that you have been given, are not working out for you, you can choose to cut off ties with them. I have. I thought about it before doing it, and decided it is in our best interest to not have these people in our lives. Guess what ?  We have been happier without all the added stress from them. I have friends here that I am closer with. We are getting close with my daughter's grandparents. This week we are meeting her cousins and her aunt. We are all going to the park together. I am choosing who to let in to my family. I even have online friends who are like family to me. I talk to them every day. I tell them everything. We are pretty close. I love them. 

Just remember, if the family you have, is not working out for you.. you can choose. You do not have to be unhappy with them.

**Yes, I do realise that this post may create some nasty comments, or feelings .. but I will not remain silent, in fear that someone may not like it. I am not responsible for someone elses feelings***

Hate July

You know what sucks ??  People who say they are going to do something, and then they don't.  Why go and say it then ?  Why promise my kids something, and then back out of it ?  You expect me to let you see them, or to have a part in their lives, but yet treat them like shit ? Sorry, not going to happen.

These kids are my lives. I would be nothing without them. They are the only reason that I wake up in the morning. They are what keeps me going, every single day.  

My son just finished his last day of grade 6, this week !  I can't believe how fast his schooling has gone already.  He only has one more year until he will be in high school.  Scary !

Miss Livi is walking, learning to run, and even now learning to walk backwards !  Really cute to watch a baby learn to walk backwards !  

I bought a new laptop !  It's an awesome, amazing, fast one :)  So awesome !  I also bought an xbox 360 with kinect, and a workout game. I figured that with all the crap weather we have been having lately, I haven't been getting outside for my walks. So with this kinect game, I can work out inside, and have fun doing so !  Downside to it, is that it shows you on the screen as well, and I look like a really short round person !  Trying not to look at myself when I am playing LOL

Two more days, and it will be 7 months since my Mom passed away !!  This month is going to be really hard as well, as it would have been her 56th birthday. This month is also my birthday. I will be 31.  Infact, her birthday was the day after mine. Which was great when she was here, as we always celebrated together. For mine we would spend the day together, and go out for an expensive fancy dinner, then have cake and presents. The next day we would do the same thing for hers.

This year I don't think I am going to celebrate mine. I am not even planning on telling my son that it is my birthday. I am planning on going to Rathtrevor beach where mom's ashes are, for her birthday, and spending the day there. 

I used to love the month of July.  I now hate it. 

Meltdown in a bathroom

Last night my son went for a sleepover at one of his friends. I had a movie night with myself !  I went on to Netflix as I hadn't used it for awhile, and was pleasantly surprised that they had updated the movies on it.  I watched a movie called The Greatest.   It was so good !  It was about a teenage boy and a teenage girl whom had shared one day together, but had crushed after the other one for years. The day they shared, they both lost their virginities to the other. When he was driving her home, they got in a car accident and he was killed. She went to his house 3 months later to tell the parents that she was pregnant with his child.

She moved in with them. They all helped each other to grieve over him.

It was a really good movie.

I went to get ready for bed, and found some pictures that were in a plastic box. They were my mom's pictures, from her house. I started going through them, and had a total meltdown. Crying and sobbing so loudly and violently. This continued for probably 15 minutes or so. Even wandered in to the bathroom to go pee, and still crying. Stand up and crumble to the wall, banging my hands and bawling my eyes out.

Then I felt better. All of a sudden, I felt better. As if it never happened !

Weird.

6 months !

Today marks 6 months since my mom passed away.

6 fucking months.


I did not cry today !  Actually, I woke up feeling okay, and it felt peaceful for most of the day.

Strange but welcoming feeling !

Dear Depression

Dear Depression:


Kiss my ass !


You have been nothing but a major shithead to me, for a long time now. I hate you. I hate that you can control me. I hate that you decide how my day is going to go. 


You know what ?? I had plans today. My son invited a friend over, and we were all going to go to the beach for the day.  I even got everything ready to go, and then I decide that I no longer want to. Fuck you. 


Now, I don't know what to do. I feel happier when I am outside in the sunshine. I wish things were easier.

When I get sad, I cry. When I think about Mom, I cry. When certain commercials come on, I cry. When Olivia does something new, I cry. When my son says something jokingly to me, I cry.

You know what ??  I am tired of crying !! I hate this.


I have decided, that fuck it, I may not be going to the beach now, but I am going to do something I have never ever done before ! I am going to do something that my Mom loved to do.  Maybe I will find out that I love it as well.


I am going to garden !  I have a garden outside that came with the house. There are weeds in there (at least I *think* they are weeds !) and grass in it as well that all needs to be taken out.


Olivia and I are going to go in the backyard. She can walk around and play with her toys, and I will garden.


Fuck you depression. 


You do not win this round !

Crying, writing, sleeping, smiling

I know that I talk about my Mom a lot on here. This is all apart of my healing process.  I was really hoping that I would have been done with grieving, and starting to accept her death, by now.  Unfortunately I haven't been able to. I did not seek help when I should have, and I ended up in the hospital for wanting to kill myself, and to be with my Mom.

I miss her a lot, I miss her more than I have ever missed anyone in my whole life. I feel like my life has no meaning without her. I feel like I am being punished for something. She got taken away from me. That is how it feels. I keep thinking about how long life is going to feel, until I am able to finally see her again.  I am almost in a limbo right now. I am just waiting. Waiting til I can see her.

Last night I wrote her a letter, while sitting in bed.  I told her everything that I was thinking, and everything I was feeling, right at that moment. I told her how much I love her, and how much I miss her. Then I had a long cry.

After, I went to sleep.  I had such an incredible sleep last night !  I woke up refreshed, and I was able to smile.

That was the first morning in a very very long time, that I felt like that !

Any Regrets ??

I had my second appointment with my therapist, a few days ago. The first appointment that I had with her, did not go so well.

You see, I have been really depressed, since losing my Mom.  I cry all the time, random moments through out the day. I talk outloud to her still. I know she won't reply, but I am sure she can hear me.  I am just having a hard time believing that she is really gone.

Also, I am in a lot of physical pain.  I have two herniated disks in my lower spine, Degenerative Disk disease through out the spine, bone spurs impinging on the nerves in the middle spine, arthritis in the middle spine, and problems with some facet joints.  Things are getting worse with it, as time goes on... and will only continue to get worse.

Mix the emotional pain with the physical one, and you get me !

So the first appointment I had with her, I shook her hand, sat down in the chair, and just blurted everything out. It was like I wasn't even speaking.  I told her how depressed I am. I told her I am looking for a safe place to take my kids, because I was going to end my life, so I could end the pain, and be with my Mom.

She called the cops. I got taken over to the hospital psychward, and was held there for 3 nights.  It was supposed to be a 2 week stay, but they chopped it up to emotional exhaustion.  I slept for 3 days straight, for the most part.

So I have been home for just over a week, and I had my second appointment.  This time it was with my son's therapist, as mine was away.  It went well. I told her I wasn't ready to talk about my Mom, and she was fine with that.  Eventually I realised that I was talking about her, without really knowing when we started it.

She asked me, if there is anything that I regret not being able to do or say to Mom before she died.

I couldn't think of anything, or more so, I didn't want to talk about it.  But now I can't get it out of my head.


I regret missing the 10 days that I did not visit her in the hospital.  I was really sick, and I was worried about passing it on to her.  Turns out she got it anyways.. so I did not need to be away.


I regret not staying with her longer each visit. I wish I had just stayed there the whole time.


I regret not being happier around her. I was grumpy a lot of the time.  I could not understand how she can be so sick, but then still wants to go out or do things. I knew she was dying, but she put on this front that made everyone look at her and go "Wow !  You look good today!", even though inside she was feeling horrible.  I see now that she was doing it to make herself feel better, and not to get people to worry.  it just really messed with me, because I couldn't wrap my head around it.


I regret being short with her, when her memory started going. It was very hard watching her deteriorate, especially with her memory.  She was always very on the ball with memory, so it was hard to see her forgetting simple things.


I regret not laying in the hospital bed, and holding her when she was dying. Instead I sat in a chair beside her, put my head on her pillow, and held her hand. Telling her to go, and that we would all be okay. She did a great job raising us.


I regret lying.  I lied.  I knew I was not going to be okay. All I wanted to do was yell out and tell her to stay here with me. I am not capable of getting through this without her.  I wanted to scream how mad I am, and how this is really unfair !  I wanted to trade places with her.  She gets to go and be in a great place, and have no pain anymore.  We have to stay here and miss her, and mourn her, and be terribly sad.    


I regret not getting help sooner.  I wish that I had taken care of myself right when this happened, so that things didn't get so bad.


I regret being a bitch when we were in Mexico.  It was just very hard to watch her up and walking around, going swimming, and doing these things that just days before, she could not do. I couldn't understand why at home she just stayed in bed all day and night, throwing up all the time, no energy, falling down often.  Then all of a sudden she is okay.  I couldn't understand it. I watched her get worse and worse, and I am telling people how bad she is getting .. then she puts on a front and tries to tell everyone she is okay.  She was not okay.  No one seemed to understand how sick she really was then, because she would not let them see it.  I understand now, how she was feeling about it. I just wish I understood it then.


I regret not spending every moment with her.  Even the doctors were saying that she won't be going any time soon.  She is a fighter, she looks good, is acting good.  Mom said a few days before she passed, that she will not make it to Friday .. she died Friday morning.  She knew, and yet was able to even shock the doctors on it.  She put on a front with them as well.


I just miss her.