My Mom and I :)

My Mom and I :)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Change of Blog

Dear Daniel :

I love you ! I have loved you since before you were born. As you know, you were not planned, you came when I was still in highschool, still  a teenager, but, you were so wanted !  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew my life was going to change. Not for one second, did I ever think that I would not want you. When I almost lost you when I was 8 weeks pregnant, I was so scared. In those short 8 weeks, you had already changed me and changed my life.
As you know, Mommy did drugs when she was younger.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I stopped doing anything that would be bad for you, right away.  I have not touched any of that since that moment.  You made me a better person.
My pregnancy with you was very difficult.  From almost losing you at the 8 weeks, due to the placental abruption, to my water breaking at 26 weeks, falling down the stairs and having our blood mix together at 30 weeks, then to the birth and having the cord wrapped tightly around your neck. But, you made it through, and are now an amazing 11 year old ! 
You are everything to me. You and I had such an awesome time these last 11 years. You have always been my little buddy, my friend. I enjoy hanging out with you. I like spending time together.  You are my son, but you are also my friend.  I had 11 years of just me and you, and that brought us closer together. I do not know any other 11 year old boy who still likes to cuddle on the couch with his Mom, or hold her hand while walking, tickling and laughing, watching movies, just spending time together.
You may be a pre-teen now, but you are still my baby boy !  I love you very much !  

Dear Olivia :

You are an amazing, beautiful baby girl.  I wanted you years before I even knew you. I always dreamt that I would have a beautiful baby girl, after having an amazing son.  I was granted that wish. God gave me you.  

Your father and I tried for you for over 8 months, and when I found out  I was pregnant, I was so excited. I showed your big brother the test first, and him and I jumped up and down screaming with joy.  We ran over and showed Grandma, and she was so excited for us !

Unfortunately for some messed up reason, which I will never understand, your father did not feel the same way. He wanted to try to for you, but did not want to take any part in raising you. Which means that, I get you all to myself !  Which is completely fine with me ! 

You have been one of the best things for me, over this last year.  Losing my Mom was the hardest thing I ever went through, but having you and your brother have made it easier on me.  You both make me smile and laugh every day.

I love you very much.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Say what you mean ... mean what you say !

Daniel and his Grandma - Summer 2011

Mom, I miss you so much. I had no idea that it was going to be this hard. I would do anything to have just another minute with you ! Just to hear your voice, be held by you, be told that you love me. I need you here with me. It isn't fair ! I miss everything about you. I can't believe it has been 3 months since you left !

That is what I wrote on my Mom's Facebook wall today !

Mom and I, at Tighnamara 

Daniel and his Grandma - summer 2010

Recently one of my brother's tried to say some bad things about her, and I wouldn't hear it. I mean seriously, how dare you speak bad about her ! What 
gives you the right to talk about her like that ? Who made you God ??!!   Fuck !  

I distanced myself from my family. I don't need extra stress right now.  I need to focus on figuring out how to get myself better and feeling better. How to get used to being here without my Mom.  I am working hard on that.

There are so many things that I wish I could say to her. I know she knew that I loved her, and that I was so grateful for everything she ever did for me. I know she knew all that.  Still I wish I could say it to her again.  I wish she could sit here with me, and we could talk. I miss the mother daughter bond we had... the bond of best friends.

My brothers will never understand the connection I had with Mom.  They cannot fathom it.  It is not something that they will ever feel.

November 24, 2011 -- last time I had a meal with her. In the hospital
and she only ate a bite or two. 
She passed away 8 days later.