Families

All families are different. That is one of the first things we learn when we start school at a young age. Some have a mom and dad, some have either a mom or a dad, some have two moms or two dads .. some are raised by their grandparents, or someone whom is not even related to them. There is nothing wrong with any of those. In my mind, a family is the people who love you, and who are there for you, no matter what happens. The people who will not hurt you, in any way. There once was a saying, that you cannot choose your family.  Fortunately, that is not true.  In fact, you can choose them. 

My two loves !

My Mom was a wonderful woman. She was my best friend. We were always together, going places, hanging out, having girl time. We talked about everything together. Things were not always like that though. When we were kids, she was strict with us. House had to be clean, we had lots of chores to do. We weren't allowed friends over very often (because we could not afford to feed other people -- we were poor) We got grounded for stepping out of line. Our mouths got slapped if we swore (or we had soap put in our mouths) or stuck out our tongues. She went out often, drinking with her friends. We were left alone on weekends. I would wake up in the middle of the night, hearing voices of strange men, whom she brought home from the pub. 

As a teenager, I rebelled. I started smoking cigarettes at 15 (I had my first one when I was 12 though). I would steal packs from her when I could. I would throw parties at our house when she would go away for the weekend. I snuck alcohol from the liquor cabinet. I snuck out of the house at night, to hang out with my friends. I dappled in drugs when I was 15, until I was 17. I was your typical teenager. Things were bad between my Mom and I. We did not get along when I was in my teens. She sent me to live with my dad, because she could not control me any longer.  Things did not change when I moved with my dad. He let me drink, even buying me the alcohol. He let me smoke cigarettes. He would buy them for me, or give me his the many many times he was "trying to quit"  .. I was allowed to smoke pot. He even let me take the neighbours pot from her, when he found it in her room. He even let me have my own pot plant in my bedroom. I never got in trouble for smoking it, as long as my brother was not home. If he were home, then I would get a lecture. If he weren't home, he would spray airfreshener on me, and leave it as that.
I got pregnant at 17 (few days before my 18th birthday) and things changed. I started talking to my Mom again. She accepted me being pregnant,and even supported me. She let me move in when I was 7 months pregnant, was there for the delivery, and helped me out after I had him.  This was when we became best friends. She saw me as an adult, as a friend, and still as her daughter. From there on, we were so close. 

She wasn't as close with my brothers. My brother Mike stopped talking to her for years. He wouldn't talk to any of us. His son died, and he blamed my dad for calling social services on them for something, that would have warranted a call. I won't get in to it right now, but a call to them would have been for the best. It really hurt her, that he would not talk to her anymore. He never came down to see her. She would send presents for his kids for birthdays and Christmas, and then cry to me when the kids would not have the decency to call and say thank you. She swore every time that it would be the last time she would send something. Eventually presents got cheaper, then stopped. My other brother Darryl would upset her as well. He would call occassionally, and rarely visit. She cried and cried one time when she found out he came to Vancouver, but did not make the trip over to Nanaimo to see her. She could not understand how he did not want to have Xmas with her, but would with his wife's family.  I tried telling her that things work both ways. She should be calling him as well, and visiting him too. She cannot expect it to be one sided all the time. Of course that made her mad, and we would fight about it.  Yes Darryl, I stood up for you for that.  My brother Jason just aggravated my Mom. He would call a couple times a day. Most of the time, when she saw that it was him calling, she would swear, and then let it go to the answering machine. He was just annoying to talk to. 

When Mom passed away, our family split up. Jason stopped talking to me, and made his wife stop talking to us as well. He is scared that I will tell her how he used to beat us all up, even punching and knocking my Mom out. Punching holes in the walls, throwing us down the stairs. Oh he is now a minister down in Louisianna. He was a horrible person. I was molested as a child by him. Yes Melinda, the man you are married to, molested his little sister. I bet you did not know that. He did that to me many times. It is not something that you ever really get over. My brother Mike had said some mean things about Mom when she passed. I don't know if it were intentional, but you don't talk rude about someone who just died, especially to the person who loved her so much. We don't talk anymore. That, and I just can't hear about how he loves his exwife so much and wishes he could still be with her. She is married and has another kid now. She doesn't want you. She only uses you for money and to fix her vehicles. He can't see it. I love my brother, but we just don't seem to get along.  My other brother Darryl, I still talk to. He has always been the peace keeper in the family. I love him, and I love his wife. He has never hurt me (unless you count him breaking my finger as a child lol) .. and him and I can talk to eachother like adults. Him and I are the closest out of our whole family. We are closest in age. We have different personalities, but are able to get along perfectly. We are opposites. He is clean, likes to cook, works hard, is married, no kids. I am messy (not even close to how messy I used to be), I hate cooking, I am not married,  I have kids, and I am not a goody goody LOL.   I love him. We haven't always gotten along, but we have been able to work out our differences.

I no longer speak to my Dad either. He is rude, racist, sexist. Yes, he took me in when my mom kicked me out as a teenager, and for that I am happy. One thing I never got over,is when we lived in the same town, and I called him at midnight one night because my son was very sick. Throwing up, high fever.. he had food poisoning. He was only 1 1/2 years old. I had called him to see if he could take us to the hospital. He told me to never call him that late again, and hung up on me !  He mistreated my Mom and my brothers when we were little. I found the letters he wrote to my mom when they were going through the divorce, also the court papers. Disgusting. That's all I have to say. We had a falling out recently. He claims that I stopped talking to him because he did not send presents for my kids birthdays.  That is not the whole story. He was asking me and then telling me what he is getting my daughter for her first birthday. Then I told him that it would be better to send something for outdoors, as she has lots of musical toys for indoors, but nothing for outside. Nothing came. My son's birthday was the next month. He has ALWAYS asked me what he should get him, and then has gotten him it. This time he sent nothing. I asked him about it. He said he is too old to send presents, and that people should send him presents on their birthdays instead.  Then he claims that he doesn't think people should tell him what to send, that it is rude. What the fuck. He always asked me what he should get. Then says that he is so old (he is only 60 LOL) and that he is dying (no he isn't). He just wants attention and us to feel bad for him. I guess he feels left out,because he saw the emotions we went through with Mom.  He promised my son and I that he would come down here this summer and we would all go camping together. He got my son all excited about it. Guess what ??!!  He didn't follow through with it. Of course. He never does. I cannot let you continue to hurt my kids. I have grown up with this,  and grew a thick enough skin to just let it roll off of me. But I am not putting my kids through this shit. 

Anyways .. the point of this was that you can choose your family. If the ones that you have been given, are not working out for you, you can choose to cut off ties with them. I have. I thought about it before doing it, and decided it is in our best interest to not have these people in our lives. Guess what ?  We have been happier without all the added stress from them. I have friends here that I am closer with. We are getting close with my daughter's grandparents. This week we are meeting her cousins and her aunt. We are all going to the park together. I am choosing who to let in to my family. I even have online friends who are like family to me. I talk to them every day. I tell them everything. We are pretty close. I love them. 

Just remember, if the family you have, is not working out for you.. you can choose. You do not have to be unhappy with them.

**Yes, I do realise that this post may create some nasty comments, or feelings .. but I will not remain silent, in fear that someone may not like it. I am not responsible for someone elses feelings***