My Mom and I :)

My Mom and I :)

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Dear Depression

Dear Depression:

Kiss my ass !

You have been nothing but a major shithead to me, for a long time now. I hate you. I hate that you can control me. I hate that you decide how my day is going to go. 

You know what ?? I had plans today. My son invited a friend over, and we were all going to go to the beach for the day.  I even got everything ready to go, and then I decide that I no longer want to. Fuck you. 

Now, I don't know what to do. I feel happier when I am outside in the sunshine. I wish things were easier.

When I get sad, I cry. When I think about Mom, I cry. When certain commercials come on, I cry. When Olivia does something new, I cry. When my son says something jokingly to me, I cry.

You know what ??  I am tired of crying !! I hate this.

I have decided, that fuck it, I may not be going to the beach now, but I am going to do something I have never ever done before ! I am going to do something that my Mom loved to do.  Maybe I will find out that I love it as well.

I am going to garden !  I have a garden outside that came with the house. There are weeds in there (at least I *think* they are weeds !) and grass in it as well that all needs to be taken out.

Olivia and I are going to go in the backyard. She can walk around and play with her toys, and I will garden.

Fuck you depression. 

You do not win this round !

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Crying, writing, sleeping, smiling

I know that I talk about my Mom a lot on here. This is all apart of my healing process.  I was really hoping that I would have been done with grieving, and starting to accept her death, by now.  Unfortunately I haven't been able to. I did not seek help when I should have, and I ended up in the hospital for wanting to kill myself, and to be with my Mom.

I miss her a lot, I miss her more than I have ever missed anyone in my whole life. I feel like my life has no meaning without her. I feel like I am being punished for something. She got taken away from me. That is how it feels. I keep thinking about how long life is going to feel, until I am able to finally see her again.  I am almost in a limbo right now. I am just waiting. Waiting til I can see her.

Last night I wrote her a letter, while sitting in bed.  I told her everything that I was thinking, and everything I was feeling, right at that moment. I told her how much I love her, and how much I miss her. Then I had a long cry.

After, I went to sleep.  I had such an incredible sleep last night !  I woke up refreshed, and I was able to smile.

That was the first morning in a very very long time, that I felt like that !

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Any Regrets ??

I had my second appointment with my therapist, a few days ago. The first appointment that I had with her, did not go so well.

You see, I have been really depressed, since losing my Mom.  I cry all the time, random moments through out the day. I talk outloud to her still. I know she won't reply, but I am sure she can hear me.  I am just having a hard time believing that she is really gone.

Also, I am in a lot of physical pain.  I have two herniated disks in my lower spine, Degenerative Disk disease through out the spine, bone spurs impinging on the nerves in the middle spine, arthritis in the middle spine, and problems with some facet joints.  Things are getting worse with it, as time goes on... and will only continue to get worse.

Mix the emotional pain with the physical one, and you get me !

So the first appointment I had with her, I shook her hand, sat down in the chair, and just blurted everything out. It was like I wasn't even speaking.  I told her how depressed I am. I told her I am looking for a safe place to take my kids, because I was going to end my life, so I could end the pain, and be with my Mom.

She called the cops. I got taken over to the hospital psychward, and was held there for 3 nights.  It was supposed to be a 2 week stay, but they chopped it up to emotional exhaustion.  I slept for 3 days straight, for the most part.

So I have been home for just over a week, and I had my second appointment.  This time it was with my son's therapist, as mine was away.  It went well. I told her I wasn't ready to talk about my Mom, and she was fine with that.  Eventually I realised that I was talking about her, without really knowing when we started it.

She asked me, if there is anything that I regret not being able to do or say to Mom before she died.

I couldn't think of anything, or more so, I didn't want to talk about it.  But now I can't get it out of my head.

I regret missing the 10 days that I did not visit her in the hospital.  I was really sick, and I was worried about passing it on to her.  Turns out she got it anyways.. so I did not need to be away.

I regret not staying with her longer each visit. I wish I had just stayed there the whole time.

I regret not being happier around her. I was grumpy a lot of the time.  I could not understand how she can be so sick, but then still wants to go out or do things. I knew she was dying, but she put on this front that made everyone look at her and go "Wow !  You look good today!", even though inside she was feeling horrible.  I see now that she was doing it to make herself feel better, and not to get people to worry.  it just really messed with me, because I couldn't wrap my head around it.

I regret being short with her, when her memory started going. It was very hard watching her deteriorate, especially with her memory.  She was always very on the ball with memory, so it was hard to see her forgetting simple things.

I regret not laying in the hospital bed, and holding her when she was dying. Instead I sat in a chair beside her, put my head on her pillow, and held her hand. Telling her to go, and that we would all be okay. She did a great job raising us.

I regret lying.  I lied.  I knew I was not going to be okay. All I wanted to do was yell out and tell her to stay here with me. I am not capable of getting through this without her.  I wanted to scream how mad I am, and how this is really unfair !  I wanted to trade places with her.  She gets to go and be in a great place, and have no pain anymore.  We have to stay here and miss her, and mourn her, and be terribly sad.    

I regret not getting help sooner.  I wish that I had taken care of myself right when this happened, so that things didn't get so bad.

I regret being a bitch when we were in Mexico.  It was just very hard to watch her up and walking around, going swimming, and doing these things that just days before, she could not do. I couldn't understand why at home she just stayed in bed all day and night, throwing up all the time, no energy, falling down often.  Then all of a sudden she is okay.  I couldn't understand it. I watched her get worse and worse, and I am telling people how bad she is getting .. then she puts on a front and tries to tell everyone she is okay.  She was not okay.  No one seemed to understand how sick she really was then, because she would not let them see it.  I understand now, how she was feeling about it. I just wish I understood it then.

I regret not spending every moment with her.  Even the doctors were saying that she won't be going any time soon.  She is a fighter, she looks good, is acting good.  Mom said a few days before she passed, that she will not make it to Friday .. she died Friday morning.  She knew, and yet was able to even shock the doctors on it.  She put on a front with them as well.

I just miss her.