Families

All families are different. That is one of the first things we learn when we start school at a young age. Some have a mom and dad, some have either a mom or a dad, some have two moms or two dads .. some are raised by their grandparents, or someone whom is not even related to them. There is nothing wrong with any of those. In my mind, a family is the people who love you, and who are there for you, no matter what happens. The people who will not hurt you, in any way. There once was a saying, that you cannot choose your family.  Fortunately, that is not true.  In fact, you can choose them. 

My two loves !

My Mom was a wonderful woman. She was my best friend. We were always together, going places, hanging out, having girl time. We talked about everything together. Things were not always like that though. When we were kids, she was strict with us. House had to be clean, we had lots of chores to do. We weren't allowed friends over very often (because we could not afford to feed other people -- we were poor) We got grounded for stepping out of line. Our mouths got slapped if we swore (or we had soap put in our mouths) or stuck out our tongues. She went out often, drinking with her friends. We were left alone on weekends. I would wake up in the middle of the night, hearing voices of strange men, whom she brought home from the pub. 

As a teenager, I rebelled. I started smoking cigarettes at 15 (I had my first one when I was 12 though). I would steal packs from her when I could. I would throw parties at our house when she would go away for the weekend. I snuck alcohol from the liquor cabinet. I snuck out of the house at night, to hang out with my friends. I dappled in drugs when I was 15, until I was 17. I was your typical teenager. Things were bad between my Mom and I. We did not get along when I was in my teens. She sent me to live with my dad, because she could not control me any longer.  Things did not change when I moved with my dad. He let me drink, even buying me the alcohol. He let me smoke cigarettes. He would buy them for me, or give me his the many many times he was "trying to quit"  .. I was allowed to smoke pot. He even let me take the neighbours pot from her, when he found it in her room. He even let me have my own pot plant in my bedroom. I never got in trouble for smoking it, as long as my brother was not home. If he were home, then I would get a lecture. If he weren't home, he would spray airfreshener on me, and leave it as that.
I got pregnant at 17 (few days before my 18th birthday) and things changed. I started talking to my Mom again. She accepted me being pregnant,and even supported me. She let me move in when I was 7 months pregnant, was there for the delivery, and helped me out after I had him.  This was when we became best friends. She saw me as an adult, as a friend, and still as her daughter. From there on, we were so close. 

She wasn't as close with my brothers. My brother Mike stopped talking to her for years. He wouldn't talk to any of us. His son died, and he blamed my dad for calling social services on them for something, that would have warranted a call. I won't get in to it right now, but a call to them would have been for the best. It really hurt her, that he would not talk to her anymore. He never came down to see her. She would send presents for his kids for birthdays and Christmas, and then cry to me when the kids would not have the decency to call and say thank you. She swore every time that it would be the last time she would send something. Eventually presents got cheaper, then stopped. My other brother Darryl would upset her as well. He would call occassionally, and rarely visit. She cried and cried one time when she found out he came to Vancouver, but did not make the trip over to Nanaimo to see her. She could not understand how he did not want to have Xmas with her, but would with his wife's family.  I tried telling her that things work both ways. She should be calling him as well, and visiting him too. She cannot expect it to be one sided all the time. Of course that made her mad, and we would fight about it.  Yes Darryl, I stood up for you for that.  My brother Jason just aggravated my Mom. He would call a couple times a day. Most of the time, when she saw that it was him calling, she would swear, and then let it go to the answering machine. He was just annoying to talk to. 

When Mom passed away, our family split up. Jason stopped talking to me, and made his wife stop talking to us as well. He is scared that I will tell her how he used to beat us all up, even punching and knocking my Mom out. Punching holes in the walls, throwing us down the stairs. Oh he is now a minister down in Louisianna. He was a horrible person. I was molested as a child by him. Yes Melinda, the man you are married to, molested his little sister. I bet you did not know that. He did that to me many times. It is not something that you ever really get over. My brother Mike had said some mean things about Mom when she passed. I don't know if it were intentional, but you don't talk rude about someone who just died, especially to the person who loved her so much. We don't talk anymore. That, and I just can't hear about how he loves his exwife so much and wishes he could still be with her. She is married and has another kid now. She doesn't want you. She only uses you for money and to fix her vehicles. He can't see it. I love my brother, but we just don't seem to get along.  My other brother Darryl, I still talk to. He has always been the peace keeper in the family. I love him, and I love his wife. He has never hurt me (unless you count him breaking my finger as a child lol) .. and him and I can talk to eachother like adults. Him and I are the closest out of our whole family. We are closest in age. We have different personalities, but are able to get along perfectly. We are opposites. He is clean, likes to cook, works hard, is married, no kids. I am messy (not even close to how messy I used to be), I hate cooking, I am not married,  I have kids, and I am not a goody goody LOL.   I love him. We haven't always gotten along, but we have been able to work out our differences.

I no longer speak to my Dad either. He is rude, racist, sexist. Yes, he took me in when my mom kicked me out as a teenager, and for that I am happy. One thing I never got over,is when we lived in the same town, and I called him at midnight one night because my son was very sick. Throwing up, high fever.. he had food poisoning. He was only 1 1/2 years old. I had called him to see if he could take us to the hospital. He told me to never call him that late again, and hung up on me !  He mistreated my Mom and my brothers when we were little. I found the letters he wrote to my mom when they were going through the divorce, also the court papers. Disgusting. That's all I have to say. We had a falling out recently. He claims that I stopped talking to him because he did not send presents for my kids birthdays.  That is not the whole story. He was asking me and then telling me what he is getting my daughter for her first birthday. Then I told him that it would be better to send something for outdoors, as she has lots of musical toys for indoors, but nothing for outside. Nothing came. My son's birthday was the next month. He has ALWAYS asked me what he should get him, and then has gotten him it. This time he sent nothing. I asked him about it. He said he is too old to send presents, and that people should send him presents on their birthdays instead.  Then he claims that he doesn't think people should tell him what to send, that it is rude. What the fuck. He always asked me what he should get. Then says that he is so old (he is only 60 LOL) and that he is dying (no he isn't). He just wants attention and us to feel bad for him. I guess he feels left out,because he saw the emotions we went through with Mom.  He promised my son and I that he would come down here this summer and we would all go camping together. He got my son all excited about it. Guess what ??!!  He didn't follow through with it. Of course. He never does. I cannot let you continue to hurt my kids. I have grown up with this,  and grew a thick enough skin to just let it roll off of me. But I am not putting my kids through this shit. 

Anyways .. the point of this was that you can choose your family. If the ones that you have been given, are not working out for you, you can choose to cut off ties with them. I have. I thought about it before doing it, and decided it is in our best interest to not have these people in our lives. Guess what ?  We have been happier without all the added stress from them. I have friends here that I am closer with. We are getting close with my daughter's grandparents. This week we are meeting her cousins and her aunt. We are all going to the park together. I am choosing who to let in to my family. I even have online friends who are like family to me. I talk to them every day. I tell them everything. We are pretty close. I love them. 

Just remember, if the family you have, is not working out for you.. you can choose. You do not have to be unhappy with them.

**Yes, I do realise that this post may create some nasty comments, or feelings .. but I will not remain silent, in fear that someone may not like it. I am not responsible for someone elses feelings***

Hate July

You know what sucks ??  People who say they are going to do something, and then they don't.  Why go and say it then ?  Why promise my kids something, and then back out of it ?  You expect me to let you see them, or to have a part in their lives, but yet treat them like shit ? Sorry, not going to happen.

These kids are my lives. I would be nothing without them. They are the only reason that I wake up in the morning. They are what keeps me going, every single day.  

My son just finished his last day of grade 6, this week !  I can't believe how fast his schooling has gone already.  He only has one more year until he will be in high school.  Scary !

Miss Livi is walking, learning to run, and even now learning to walk backwards !  Really cute to watch a baby learn to walk backwards !  

I bought a new laptop !  It's an awesome, amazing, fast one :)  So awesome !  I also bought an xbox 360 with kinect, and a workout game. I figured that with all the crap weather we have been having lately, I haven't been getting outside for my walks. So with this kinect game, I can work out inside, and have fun doing so !  Downside to it, is that it shows you on the screen as well, and I look like a really short round person !  Trying not to look at myself when I am playing LOL

Two more days, and it will be 7 months since my Mom passed away !!  This month is going to be really hard as well, as it would have been her 56th birthday. This month is also my birthday. I will be 31.  Infact, her birthday was the day after mine. Which was great when she was here, as we always celebrated together. For mine we would spend the day together, and go out for an expensive fancy dinner, then have cake and presents. The next day we would do the same thing for hers.

This year I don't think I am going to celebrate mine. I am not even planning on telling my son that it is my birthday. I am planning on going to Rathtrevor beach where mom's ashes are, for her birthday, and spending the day there. 

I used to love the month of July.  I now hate it. 

Meltdown in a bathroom

Last night my son went for a sleepover at one of his friends. I had a movie night with myself !  I went on to Netflix as I hadn't used it for awhile, and was pleasantly surprised that they had updated the movies on it.  I watched a movie called The Greatest.   It was so good !  It was about a teenage boy and a teenage girl whom had shared one day together, but had crushed after the other one for years. The day they shared, they both lost their virginities to the other. When he was driving her home, they got in a car accident and he was killed. She went to his house 3 months later to tell the parents that she was pregnant with his child.

She moved in with them. They all helped each other to grieve over him.

It was a really good movie.

I went to get ready for bed, and found some pictures that were in a plastic box. They were my mom's pictures, from her house. I started going through them, and had a total meltdown. Crying and sobbing so loudly and violently. This continued for probably 15 minutes or so. Even wandered in to the bathroom to go pee, and still crying. Stand up and crumble to the wall, banging my hands and bawling my eyes out.

Then I felt better. All of a sudden, I felt better. As if it never happened !

Weird.

6 months !

Today marks 6 months since my mom passed away.

6 fucking months.


I did not cry today !  Actually, I woke up feeling okay, and it felt peaceful for most of the day.

Strange but welcoming feeling !

Dear Depression

Dear Depression:


Kiss my ass !


You have been nothing but a major shithead to me, for a long time now. I hate you. I hate that you can control me. I hate that you decide how my day is going to go. 


You know what ?? I had plans today. My son invited a friend over, and we were all going to go to the beach for the day.  I even got everything ready to go, and then I decide that I no longer want to. Fuck you. 


Now, I don't know what to do. I feel happier when I am outside in the sunshine. I wish things were easier.

When I get sad, I cry. When I think about Mom, I cry. When certain commercials come on, I cry. When Olivia does something new, I cry. When my son says something jokingly to me, I cry.

You know what ??  I am tired of crying !! I hate this.


I have decided, that fuck it, I may not be going to the beach now, but I am going to do something I have never ever done before ! I am going to do something that my Mom loved to do.  Maybe I will find out that I love it as well.


I am going to garden !  I have a garden outside that came with the house. There are weeds in there (at least I *think* they are weeds !) and grass in it as well that all needs to be taken out.


Olivia and I are going to go in the backyard. She can walk around and play with her toys, and I will garden.


Fuck you depression. 


You do not win this round !

Crying, writing, sleeping, smiling

I know that I talk about my Mom a lot on here. This is all apart of my healing process.  I was really hoping that I would have been done with grieving, and starting to accept her death, by now.  Unfortunately I haven't been able to. I did not seek help when I should have, and I ended up in the hospital for wanting to kill myself, and to be with my Mom.

I miss her a lot, I miss her more than I have ever missed anyone in my whole life. I feel like my life has no meaning without her. I feel like I am being punished for something. She got taken away from me. That is how it feels. I keep thinking about how long life is going to feel, until I am able to finally see her again.  I am almost in a limbo right now. I am just waiting. Waiting til I can see her.

Last night I wrote her a letter, while sitting in bed.  I told her everything that I was thinking, and everything I was feeling, right at that moment. I told her how much I love her, and how much I miss her. Then I had a long cry.

After, I went to sleep.  I had such an incredible sleep last night !  I woke up refreshed, and I was able to smile.

That was the first morning in a very very long time, that I felt like that !

Any Regrets ??

I had my second appointment with my therapist, a few days ago. The first appointment that I had with her, did not go so well.

You see, I have been really depressed, since losing my Mom.  I cry all the time, random moments through out the day. I talk outloud to her still. I know she won't reply, but I am sure she can hear me.  I am just having a hard time believing that she is really gone.

Also, I am in a lot of physical pain.  I have two herniated disks in my lower spine, Degenerative Disk disease through out the spine, bone spurs impinging on the nerves in the middle spine, arthritis in the middle spine, and problems with some facet joints.  Things are getting worse with it, as time goes on... and will only continue to get worse.

Mix the emotional pain with the physical one, and you get me !

So the first appointment I had with her, I shook her hand, sat down in the chair, and just blurted everything out. It was like I wasn't even speaking.  I told her how depressed I am. I told her I am looking for a safe place to take my kids, because I was going to end my life, so I could end the pain, and be with my Mom.

She called the cops. I got taken over to the hospital psychward, and was held there for 3 nights.  It was supposed to be a 2 week stay, but they chopped it up to emotional exhaustion.  I slept for 3 days straight, for the most part.

So I have been home for just over a week, and I had my second appointment.  This time it was with my son's therapist, as mine was away.  It went well. I told her I wasn't ready to talk about my Mom, and she was fine with that.  Eventually I realised that I was talking about her, without really knowing when we started it.

She asked me, if there is anything that I regret not being able to do or say to Mom before she died.

I couldn't think of anything, or more so, I didn't want to talk about it.  But now I can't get it out of my head.


I regret missing the 10 days that I did not visit her in the hospital.  I was really sick, and I was worried about passing it on to her.  Turns out she got it anyways.. so I did not need to be away.


I regret not staying with her longer each visit. I wish I had just stayed there the whole time.


I regret not being happier around her. I was grumpy a lot of the time.  I could not understand how she can be so sick, but then still wants to go out or do things. I knew she was dying, but she put on this front that made everyone look at her and go "Wow !  You look good today!", even though inside she was feeling horrible.  I see now that she was doing it to make herself feel better, and not to get people to worry.  it just really messed with me, because I couldn't wrap my head around it.


I regret being short with her, when her memory started going. It was very hard watching her deteriorate, especially with her memory.  She was always very on the ball with memory, so it was hard to see her forgetting simple things.


I regret not laying in the hospital bed, and holding her when she was dying. Instead I sat in a chair beside her, put my head on her pillow, and held her hand. Telling her to go, and that we would all be okay. She did a great job raising us.


I regret lying.  I lied.  I knew I was not going to be okay. All I wanted to do was yell out and tell her to stay here with me. I am not capable of getting through this without her.  I wanted to scream how mad I am, and how this is really unfair !  I wanted to trade places with her.  She gets to go and be in a great place, and have no pain anymore.  We have to stay here and miss her, and mourn her, and be terribly sad.    


I regret not getting help sooner.  I wish that I had taken care of myself right when this happened, so that things didn't get so bad.


I regret being a bitch when we were in Mexico.  It was just very hard to watch her up and walking around, going swimming, and doing these things that just days before, she could not do. I couldn't understand why at home she just stayed in bed all day and night, throwing up all the time, no energy, falling down often.  Then all of a sudden she is okay.  I couldn't understand it. I watched her get worse and worse, and I am telling people how bad she is getting .. then she puts on a front and tries to tell everyone she is okay.  She was not okay.  No one seemed to understand how sick she really was then, because she would not let them see it.  I understand now, how she was feeling about it. I just wish I understood it then.


I regret not spending every moment with her.  Even the doctors were saying that she won't be going any time soon.  She is a fighter, she looks good, is acting good.  Mom said a few days before she passed, that she will not make it to Friday .. she died Friday morning.  She knew, and yet was able to even shock the doctors on it.  She put on a front with them as well.


I just miss her.  

Single Mom !

Let me get this out .. Not every single mom, CHOOSES to be a single mom !


I feel better now.


What I mean is, being a single mom is hard !  It isn't something that most people would aspire to.  It isn't something that most people grow up dreaming to become.  When I was a little girl, I didn't think, in my wildest dreams, that I would be a single mom, to two kids.


I wanted to be a teacher, or a lawyer.


When I became a single parent to my son, I made a vow to myself that if I ever had any more children, it would be with the man I wanted to spend my life with, to get married to, and to raise the kids together.


My ex and I were together for over 3 years when we decided to try for a baby.  We tried for 8 months, and I finally got pregnant.  As soon as I told him, he was no longer happy about it.


I guess the having sex with no condom was what he was wanting.


Now don't get me wrong !  I love my kids so very much.  They are the only reason that I am still here on this earth.  If I did not have them, I would be with my Mom right now.  I wake up every morning for them. I live my life for them.


Being a single mom is really tough. I just make it look easy !  One thing to remember, there is never "you" time. If the oldest is out, and the baby is asleep, there is still tons of stuff to do around the house, that can't wait. I can't forget about housework, put if off until later.  Otherwise it does not get done, it gets to be a bigger chore.  I stay home with the kids, and for that I am happy. I am meant to be a stay at home mom.  I am quite good at it.  


I do miss being able to go out and work though. I miss the freedom of leaving the house, without the kids in tow.  I miss talking to other adults.  I miss making money. I miss having the possibility of making friends.  LOL


Most women do not choose to be single parents, but we do choose whether or not to be good at it !

4 months

Today, it is 4 months since my Mom passed away ! I have had many ups and downs since she passed, and I expect that there will be a lot more to come.


I have a picture of my Mom and I, on the wall, in the staircase. I pass it a million times a day.  I put it up shortly after she passed away. I can see it from where I am sitting right now.  It is this picture.

This was taken when we were having a mini vacation at a near by spa. Mom, Daniel, and I went for the weekend. It is at her favorite beach (where we also spread her ashes). This was such an awesome weekend that we had !  I love that I can see the reflection of the beach, in the sunglasses that she is wearing. To me it symbolizes that it is her permanent view. She will forever be at the beach !

This picture was from the same weekend. We went mini golfing at a great place at a near by town here. This is my Mom and my son Daniel playing !

This was after the minigolfing ! We went on the bumper water boats. They have these mini guns on them that squirt water. We completely soaked each other, and laughed and laughed about it !  It was great !

This one was from our trip up to Kelowna, to see my brothers.  We had already drove 5 hours, and taken a 2 hour ferry ride. This again, is my Mom and my son.

This is my all time favorite picture of the two of them together !  When I got back home, I printed off a copy and took it over to Mom's house for her to have. This one has always made me laugh.




I miss her so much. Sometimes I think that it has already been 4 months ! Wow, time is going fast... and then there are a lot of times (like today) that I think that time is going so slow. I don't know how I am supposed to go on feeling like this for another 30 years or so.  


She was my best friend. It hurts to lose your Mom, but it's worse when you were so close to her, like I was. 


Lately I have been picking up the phone, and trying to call her. Or I think of something that I want to tell her. Even small things like something is on sale at the store that she might be interested in. 


What I would give to have just 5 more minutes with her. Just to hug her, give her a kiss, tell her I love her. Let her hold my baby, and give my son a hug. I just want her back. 

Change of Blog

Dear Daniel :

I love you ! I have loved you since before you were born. As you know, you were not planned, you came when I was still in highschool, still  a teenager, but, you were so wanted !  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew my life was going to change. Not for one second, did I ever think that I would not want you. When I almost lost you when I was 8 weeks pregnant, I was so scared. In those short 8 weeks, you had already changed me and changed my life.

As you know, Mommy did drugs when she was younger.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I stopped doing anything that would be bad for you, right away.  I have not touched any of that since that moment.  You made me a better person.

My pregnancy with you was very difficult.  From almost losing you at the 8 weeks, due to the placental abruption, to my water breaking at 26 weeks, falling down the stairs and having our blood mix together at 30 weeks, then to the birth and having the cord wrapped tightly around your neck. But, you made it through, and are now an amazing 11 year old ! 

You are everything to me. You and I had such an awesome time these last 11 years. You have always been my little buddy, my friend. I enjoy hanging out with you. I like spending time together.  You are my son, but you are also my friend.  I had 11 years of just me and you, and that brought us closer together. I do not know any other 11 year old boy who still likes to cuddle on the couch with his Mom, or hold her hand while walking, tickling and laughing, watching movies, just spending time together.

You may be a pre-teen now, but you are still my baby boy !  I love you very much !  

Dear Olivia :


You are an amazing, beautiful baby girl.  I wanted you years before I even knew you. I always dreamt that I would have a beautiful baby girl, after having an amazing son.  I was granted that wish. God gave me you.  


Your father and I tried for you for over 8 months, and when I found out  I was pregnant, I was so excited. I showed your big brother the test first, and him and I jumped up and down screaming with joy.  We ran over and showed Grandma, and she was so excited for us !


Unfortunately for some messed up reason, which I will never understand, your father did not feel the same way. He wanted to try to for you, but did not want to take any part in raising you. Which means that, I get you all to myself !  Which is completely fine with me ! 


You have been one of the best things for me, over this last year.  Losing my Mom was the hardest thing I ever went through, but having you and your brother have made it easier on me.  You both make me smile and laugh every day.


I love you very much.

Say what you mean ... mean what you say !

Daniel and his Grandma - Summer 2011

Mom, I miss you so much. I had no idea that it was going to be this hard. I would do anything to have just another minute with you ! Just to hear your voice, be held by you, be told that you love me. I need you here with me. It isn't fair ! I miss everything about you. I can't believe it has been 3 months since you left !

That is what I wrote on my Mom's Facebook wall today !

Mom and I, at Tighnamara 

Daniel and his Grandma - summer 2010

Recently one of my brother's tried to say some bad things about her, and I wouldn't hear it. I mean seriously, how dare you speak bad about her ! What 
gives you the right to talk about her like that ? Who made you God ??!!   Fuck !  

I distanced myself from my family. I don't need extra stress right now.  I need to focus on figuring out how to get myself better and feeling better. How to get used to being here without my Mom.  I am working hard on that.

There are so many things that I wish I could say to her. I know she knew that I loved her, and that I was so grateful for everything she ever did for me. I know she knew all that.  Still I wish I could say it to her again.  I wish she could sit here with me, and we could talk. I miss the mother daughter bond we had... the bond of best friends.

My brothers will never understand the connection I had with Mom.  They cannot fathom it.  It is not something that they will ever feel.

November 24, 2011 -- last time I had a meal with her. In the hospital

and she only ate a bite or two. 

She passed away 8 days later.

Frustrated is Thy Name !

It's not a big secret that I am on social assistance right now. I have been since my ex and I split up, a year ago. I have made a lot of sacrifices in this year, and have still tried to come out on top. 

When my daughter was born, I filed for child support from my ex, so that I could get help financially from him.  Well social assistance takes that child support, dollar for dollar.  My ex was in the process of catching up on the support, which meant that one month I got almost $1100.  That also meant that I would not be getting a social assistance check, because that $1100 is more than I get monthly from the government. 


I claimed my child support, like I always do, this time it was lower, which means that I should have gotten something for my monthly check... nope, did not even get a dime.  Last month I got less child support, but they somehow believe I was given more, and I wasn't.. but, you can't fight them. "They" are always right. You go to fight them on something, and will always come out on the bottom.. you will not win.


So two months in a row now, I have had barely any money.  I still managed to scrape by enough to pay my bills and get my car insurance, get some gas for the car, and buy crappy food, because we still need to eat.  


I haven't had a good nights sleep in a very long time because I am so stressed out about it.


I mentioned it on facebook a week or two ago, about how I am struggling financially right now, and things are tough... and one of my brothers had the balls to try to talk to me about priorities.  Seriously !
I gave up my cellphone, I gave up cable, I lowered my internet speed, I barely eat because I need the food for the kids, we don't eat out anymore (except once a month), we don't go anywhere that costs money to do, my son can't go to birthday parties because we can't afford a present for them.  My daughters birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and I can't get her anything except maybe something small.  


You want to talk to me about priorities ?!!?  There is nothing else that I can take away from the kids and myself, unless I want to have us live outside. I don't have anything else to give up.  I am sorry I don't make a lot of money. I am sorry my back is so fucked up that I am unable to work. I live in constant pain, every fucking hour of every fucking day, and it is only going to get worse as I get older.  There is no cure for it, they can't fix it.  


I am sorry I don't have a perfect fucking life like you do. 


You try living my life, and having my worries everyday.  You try it, and then talk to me about priorities. Don't ever speak to me about that again. You don't have any right to talk to me like that. You have no fucking clue about my priorities in life. 


So this month, I will continue to be hungry, so that my kids can eat the food. I will go no where in the car, except to the school and home. I will stay home, in pain, wishing life would just give me a break. Or take me. I will sit and just wait, like I have done, and I will hope and pray, like I always do, that maybe next month, will be a bit better.

Sick baby, stressed Mommy

Things suck.  They really do.  
It seems like we have not been able to catch a break, this last year or so. I know things will get better, and I know it takes time, so here I am, waiting patiently.


Olivia cut open her foot a couple days ago, on a transition strip, on our floor.  I was upstairs in the bathroom, getting changed.  I had her downstairs, and had the baby gate up on the bottom step, so she could not try and climb the stairs.  We have done this every day since she learned to crawl.  There was nothing new about it.  My house is clean, there is nothing that she can get in to, or hurt herself with.  Or so I thought.


I was getting changed, and I heard her cry out.  This was the same little cry she would do when she was learning to crawl (backwards) and she would get stuck somewhere.  It wasn't an urgent kind of cry.  So I didn't rush downstairs.  I finished changing, brushed my teeth, tied my hair back.  Went to my son's room and told him that lunch is ready, and to come down stairs.  He should me something on the Xbox 360, and then we headed downstairs.  He saw it first. A big puddle of blood at the bottom of the stairs. He said "what's that ??" and I immediately said "OMG, it's blood ! OMG, where's the baby ??" and started calling out for Livi.  I followed the blood trail, large amounts of blood all over the floor, she had crawled into the kitchen. She was bleeding heavily from her foot.  We tried to stop the blood, but could not, so I put her and my son in the car, and we went to the hospital.  They were able to stop it, and sent us home.


The next day, she gets a high fever.  She was fine in the morning, then she woke up from her nap, and I put her in the highchair so she could have her lunch.  It seriously looked like she had forgotten how to eat. She could not hold her own bottle, she was not interested in drinking. She didn't want her applesauce. She was just super fussy.  After struggling with trying to get her to eat (still not knowing anything was wrong with her), I brought her to the living room to get ready to go out to the grocery store before having to pick up Daniel from school.  She felt warm, so I took her temperature.  She had a fever.  


Things only got worse from there. She got in to see the doctor that afternoon and she said that it could be viral, she doesn't think it is her foot causing it... so we went home.  Livi suffered all night long. She slept for not even 2 hours all night long. Fevered all night. Her highest fever was 102.9 and the lowest I got it to was just over 99.  In the morning she was the same, but not wanting to eat at all. I took her to the hospital because she was getting worse.  Her vitals were taken right away. Her heart rate was 175 and her oxygen level was 92.  Really low. They said it meant her body has an infection somewhere.  Olivia had to have blood taken, medicine given, a pee bag strapped to her in hopes to collect urine for a sample. She would not pee. The blood showed that her white cells are high, which indicate infection. The doctor said that he hopes the urine would show an infection, because if it didn't, then it could be her foot infected, even though it does not look infected.  The nurse had to give her a catheter because she would not urinate.  They were able to test it, and it shows an infection.  I will find out today if it is accurate or not, as they sent away the sample. Olivia screamed and cried for 5 hours straight at the hospital. She did not want me to sit down with her, I had to stand and rock her for 5 hours straight.  Any thing for my baby.


I am dealing with all that. Not to mention everything family related. ughhh, I will update that all later. Lets just say that my family needs help. ugh !


I will update this again later with some pictures of Livi's owie !  I have to get them off of the camera.  And no, I did not take pictures of the blood trail ! 

For every death, there is a birth...

Cancer has taken my Mom from me. It has taken her from my beautiful children, who loved her very much. It has taken her from the rest of our family. Cancer is is horrible, terrible disease. I will never truly get over losing my Mom.


Mom passed away on December 2, 2011, while her family surrounded her bedside in the palliative care unit in the hospital.  One month before she passed away, she had an appointment at the pain clinic in the hospital, to be assessed and hopefully have her pain medications changed so that she could be more comfortable. Mom was always bad for not telling the doctors every thing that is going on, or how she is truly feeling. She liked to pretend she was doing better than she actually was.  I told her that I was going to speak up for her, like I did at all her other appointments. 


This appointment was going fine for her, and we had found out that she could come off of some of her medications, and he was going to try her on Methadone for pain, instead of the short acting Dilaudid she was taking.  He asked her how she is doing at home and what her days look like. She then told him that things are going well and that she is able to do somethings around the house.  I spoke up and told the doctor that what she said is not true, as she has spent the last month in bed, sleeping all day long, barely able to eat anything, and not being able to care for herself.  Things changed from there really fast.


The doctor then informed us that Mom is no longer allowed to live on her own (whereas a few minutes before he was getting ready to send us back home, and her back to being on her own) and that she must come live with me.  I had just moved to a 2 floor, 3 bedroom townhouse, so I had room for her, if I put the baby in my room.  We had redcross come and bring the hospital bed and things for around the house to make it easier for her while she was here.


Mom lasted one day here.


The evening that she got here, she was very weak. It took her almost 20 minutes to go up the 14 stairs to the second floor, with me behind her, arms out towards her back, ready to help push her up the stairs if need be. In the morning, I got up, went about my morning routines, went to the pharmacy, went to Tim Hortons and got 3 bagels, 2 coffees and a hot chocolate, and came home. It was around 11 am when I got home, and found that Mom was not yet awake.  I brought her breakfast upstairs and knocked on the door.  I opened it up and she was laying on the bed, half uncovered.  It looked like she was trying to get out of bed.  She had peed all over herself and the bed as well :(   I talked to her for a few minutes, and helped her get up to go to the bathroom.  She was very wobbly, but insisted that she get up and go pee, so I let her.  I went back down stairs and talked to my son, made sure he was eating his breakfast.  Then we both heard it. This very faint cry for help.  we looked at each other, and could not figure out where it was coming from.  Wandered up the stairs and realised it was Mom calling for us.


She had fallen while she was in the bathroom.  She had gone in, locked the door, and taken a step towards the toilet. She must have gotten dizzy and stumbled towards the toilet and bathtub. She said she hit the toilet, fell between the toilet and tub , and rolled into the tub. I did not find that out until a few days later.  All I knew at this point was that the door was locked, my Mom was hurt, and she could not get up, or get out of the bathroom alone.  We tried kicking in the door, we tried unlocking it with whatever we could find, nothing was working.  Mom was whimpering in pain.  I called her friend and had her come over to see if she could help us get Mom out of the bathroom.  She was able to get the door opened !  Mom was in the tub, sitting there, backwards, but yet as if she were having a bath.  She had peed again.  Mom said she hit her head, and that her leg was really painful too.  Her friend tried to move her, but Mom was in too much pain.  


We called 911, and had them come at help us.  They took Mom to the hospital, after we told them she has terminal cancer, and does not have much longer to live, and that a fall in a bathroom may not seem serious, but in this situation, it is.  They took her to the hospital in the ambulance.  I got myself and the kids ready, grabbed extra bottles and things for Olivia, and we went down to the hospital.  Sat there for hours, in the emergency department.  We had a social worker come in and talk to us about how we are feeling, and to see about Mom going home (with outside help and interventions) .. I told them that I was not comfortable for her to go home, and because I was "in charge" of her, I had to think of what was best.  I know Mom, she was my best friend, and I would like to think that I knew what was best for her.


They kept her at the hospital over night, and the kids and I went home.  The next morning I went to the hospital, and found Mom in a room with 3 other people.  She barely even recognized me, and did not even acknowledge Olivia at all.  Right there I knew something was wrong. Mom wanted to go out for a smoke, but was told that she could only do so if she had a wheel chair. She was very unsteady on her feet, and they were not letting her risk falling again. Right there Mom hiked her hospital night gown up around her waist, and started taking her diaper off ... IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ! .. this was not my Mom !  She is not like that at all.  I tried explaining to her that I can not physically push her in a wheelchair, and push Olivia in the stroller, to take her outside for a smoke, unless I had someone else with me to help.  I told her I cannot take her outside for a smoke.  We got in a big argument about it, and I left, because things were getting heated between us.  (Afterwards she did not have any memory of any of that !)


I came back hours later and things were a bit better, she was being moved to another floor, and out of the emergency ward.


She spent awhile (I can't even remember how long exactly any more) on the next floor, and then was moved to another room.  She was showing improvement !  She was starting to be able to move around easier.  Walking outside for smokes alone (against doctors orders of course) and her memory was starting to improve as well.  The doctors said the confusion is getting better.  She was on the acute floor, and was not really in the right place.  The doctors had decided that with care, she could go home, as long as people were there to help her out.  


She got moved down to the Palliative Care ward, which was a huge blessing in disguise for her and for us.  It was to be short term, and the doctors and social workers even went out of their way to inform me that it is not long term and only for a few weeks to a few months, type of place.  They said that Mom is healthy enough to be at home, but because I am uncomfortable with it, they will work with her to get her completely ready.


Mom continued to make progress.  Started eating all her meals, plus extras throughout the day.  Going for short walks around the place. Had lots of visitors, and was up to seeing people.  Her memory was getting a lot better. We had a family meeting at the hospital, with doctors, social workers, and people who would get her house ready for when she went home.  The doctors decided that in 3 days she will be going home.  I told them again, that this is a bad idea.  Mom is going to get worse soon. I understood that they did not believe me, I understood that they believed she was getting better, but they did not see what was really happening. Mom knew.  I knew.  We talked about it a few times, after I brought it up.  She was in the stage of cancer, where you feel better for a week or so, and then things turn for the worse.  She said she had felt a change in her body and knew that things were starting to happen. That her time was limited.  I told her why I wasn't comfortable with her going home, but she was still adamant that she do so.  She wanted to die at home. She felt that it would be more comfortable for my brothers and I to be with her when she passed away, if it were in her house.  


Two days later I get a phone call from the doctor, saying that Mom has pneumonia, and will not be going home any time soon.  They did chest ex-rays and found that a lot of the ex-ray lit up, and they are not sure if it is from the pneumonia, or from the cancer, but that she is too unhealthy to go home.  She was put on antibiotics, oxygen and a nebulizer.  After over a week, she slowly started to feel a bit better.  I brought Daniel in, so that he could say good bye, as we knew it wasn't going to be much longer.  He had a nice talk with her. That is the last time he got to talk to her and have her respond.


One night I was just getting the food on the table for dinner, and Mom called me.  She was begging me to come to the hospital (I hadn't been there in over a week as I was really sick as well).  I went, and stayed until after midnight. We talked, and laughed, hugged, talked about the past, and talked about the future. Mom asked me to stay longer, not to leave, but I had to. She told me that she felt another change, and that things were definitely happening.  I told her that my brothers will be down here on Friday (This was Sunday) and she said that she will not be here on Friday. I talked to her for a bit more, and had to go home as it was really late and Daniel was home with Olivia. It was so hard to drive away from Mom. I watched in the rear view mirror until I could no longer see her. 


The next morning, she was in a coma type state. She never really recovered from that. My brothers came down earlier, and got to spend some time with her, talking to her, and telling her it is okay to go, that she did a good job in raising us, and that we will be okay.  That was the hardest thing I ever did. I lied to her. I told her it would be okay, and that we would be okay.  When all I wanted to do was tell her not to leave, to stay here with me forever.


Mom passed away at 7:02 am on Friday morning. She knew that she would not be here for Friday, and she was right. It was very hard to be there and watch her go through the process of dying.  She took her last breath when we were out of the room.  The nurse when in to turn her over (they were turning her over every hour or so to prevent sores), she was now facing the open window, and she took her last breath after she was turned. We went in after the nurse told us she was done, and my brother was the first to see that she was no longer with us. 


There were these bunnies that were outside that Mom would feed parts of her dinner to, like carrots and lettuce .. and she always talked about a white bunny (which I could never see) but I could see the black one.  When Mom passed, the black bunny was standing outside the window (we were on the ground floor) and all of a sudden, a white bunny appears.  They both stop and look at us through the window.  They stared at us, and we stared at them, for what seemed like forever.  Then they turned and hopped away.


Mom is in my thoughts all the time. I don't think there is a thing I do during the day, that I am not thinking about her. I know she is watching me, and looking out for me. I know that one day I will see her again, and in that I must hang on to, and carry on.  

 Last time that we had lunch together. A week before she passed away. 

I brought her some won ton soup, to the hospital, and we sat and 

ate our lunch together.  She only had a couple bites.

Last family picture that we had taken together.

We were at Pipers Lagoon, for a walk

in the summer time.